(DISCLAIMER: This is not an actual transcript of a phone call from Joffrey Lupul to Mike Richards and Scott Hartnell. I am not associated with the Philadelphia Flyers in any way. Once again this is a FAKE, satirical piece. I am a fan, and nothing more. This is not real, nor is any one claiming it to be.)
The rest was written entirely by me and my friend, Kristi, who is a Rangers fan, but I forgive her for it. I hope it’s funny. Also, in an episode of “Day In The Life” on the NHL Network, Scott Hartnell mentions he has a cat, (actually two) and that is where the cat references come from.
Me and my friend Kristi have obtained an exclusive transcript of the call Lupul placed to Mike Richards and also former teammate Scott Hartnell after he was notified of the trade. It begins somewhere after he alerted them.
Lupul: “Oh no. No, you guys keep the Guitar Hero… it’s a gift from me and Scottie [Upshall]. By the way, say goodbye to [Hartnell’s] cat for me… I love you guys, man. We gotta mack some hoes again sometime soon okay?”
Hartnell: “Yeah, dude no problem.”
Lupul: “Man, yous are the best… Remember when we did all those Jell-O shots off the stripper and got completely sloshed and woke up in Hartnell’s bedroom? Ah, man. I’ll miss yous. Fuck, send me a cheesesteak soon, will you? I’ll eat it moldy, I don’t give a shit man… Memories…”
Richards: “I will… I nailed a bitch that works at a cheese steak stand downtown… She gives them to me for free… Everyday, if you know what I mean…”
Lupul: “Alright, dude, I appreciate it. Hey, what about that time at the NHL Awards? Man, Richards you didn’t even make it there conscious… They wound up giving your award to Pavel Datsyuk from the Wings, dog. You were so messed up, man… I’ll miss that… And Hartnell’s cat…” (sniffles)
Hartnell: “Dude, no doubt, dude. My cat’s sitting right next to me… Man, she looks like she’s crying… She just winked at me… She knows, she feels ya man…”
Richards: “Tell her Richie-kins misses her… Man, there ain’t no cats like her up in Kenora [Richards’ hometown], or anywhere… That bitch is for real… She gets me, man… She gets all of us…” (audible gulping and slurping, as if from a bottle or flask)
Lupul: “Man, you guys are the best… I’m gonna call yous everyday about the chicks in Cali… Maybe you guys could come down, bring the cat, you know… Have some fun, go surfing, do some ecstasy and shit like old times…”
Richards: “Dude. I told you, what happens in my apartment stays in my apartment… Johnny [Flyers’ coach John Stevens] is all over me about that shit now. Damn it, Lupes. The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. … Or whatever. Man, I just smoked a huge joint from this skank… She’s trying to take off my pants…” (In the background, there’s whispers: “I don’t have any condoms, but you can give me a blow job … this is an important call, this is my brother, man, he got traded … later, I promise, later … ”)
Lupul: “Oh man, Richie, you’d love the strippers down here… We can do a night out on the town, yous bring the cat, and I’ll bring the hard liquor and beer, Scottie will bring the girls… But Hartsy really has to bring his bed and Richie, you have to stay sober long enough to legally get on a plane over here… Then we’ll be all good.”
Hartnell (wiping tears froom his eyes): “Yeah, man, yeah, for sure… The cat’s coming with us. Richie would be lured on the plane by her alone, no matter how fucked up her gets…”
Richards (inaudible slurred words, bottles clank, there’s sobbing and sniffling): “Yeaaah, man. Loops. Loops. Luuuuuuuupuuuuuuuul, Loops. Listen to me. Luuuuuuuupuuuuuuuuuul, Loops. I want you to listen. Listen, okay? Loops?”
Lupul: “Uh, yeah, man… I’m here Richie, what?”
Richards: I. Love. You. I lovers you. Good, good man. I FUCKING LOVE YOU, JOFFREY. I fucking meant it. Fuck everyone, man… We could start our own team… Run off together, be bro’s, yo.
Hartnell: “Uh, Richie. You’re not-“
Richards: “LET ME FUCKING FINISH. Lem me finish it, god damn. Oh… God… who’s gonna carry me hoooooome when drunk? Likeeeee… Hartnell will get sick of me, bro… Loops, come back… I’ll split my salary and weed and house and girlfriend and X-Box with you, dog… Just, come on Joff. Come baaaaack to me, us, the Philly fans, Hartnell’s cat, dog, do it… I love you, man…”
Unfortunately, that’s all me and Kristi were able to access. If in the future we gt a hold of future documents, we’ll let you know.