I wrote this sometime during or after the Flyers/Penguins play-offs series. It’s basically just a lot of venting, so bear with me, I didn’t really write it with intent to show it to anyone. And if you live in Pittsburgh/are a Pens fan, I suggest you stop reading. But if you’re a Flyers fan, be my guest.
AN OPEN LETTER
Dear anyone who is, ever was, or will have the unfortunate fate of being a Pittsburgh Penguins fan,
You are all sincerely just a bunch of fucking douche bags. I thought Red Sox fans were bad, but truly, compared to you, they’re lovely. Can I ask, please, what the fuck is going through your head when you go to FLYERS BLOGS to comment on, not the article that was written, but on how much more the Pens are superior to the Flyers? Do you all have that much fucking time on your hands that you Google search for Flyers blogs and then type up fucking ridiculous comments about them? Are there not Penguins blogs you could use to emit your douchebaggery? Surely, some Pens fan had to make a blog to contain all of you assholes in one spot right? Yes? Oh okay, and what do you do there? Let me see for myself. Okay, http://www.thepensblog.bloguin.com/. A well-mannered person like myself (except in situations like these) would expect to find lots of stuff about the Penguins in the play-offs, pictures of you sucking Malkin and Crosby’s dick, videos of you fucking your uncles and sisters, you know, the type of weird shit you people do on the wrong side of the state. Of course not. What do I see? A bunch of photoshopped pictures that even I could make of better quality. I see a nice picture of the Wachovia Center- with sniper gun cross hairs on it. I see another picture of the Wachovia Center- with a plane dropping bombs on it. Not to be outdone by yourselves however, there is a picture of Mike Richards hugging Pierre McGuire from behind in a Christmas sweater. Come on, I thought people of even your intelligence could up with something more clever than that. I over estimated you, Pittsburgh.
From 2000-2006 your “beloved” team was in the bottom half in NHL attendance. Or about how you fucking “true fans” were dead last in the league in 2004, and 25th in 2003. If you would like to know where the Flyers were in those years, try 3rd in the league in ’03 and 4th in ‘04. And Philadelphia’s average attendance actually increased 75 people in 2004 from 2003, but so did Montreal’s, Detroit’s, and Toronto’s by slightly greater numbers. But honestly Penguins “fans”. I know your team only had 58 points in the standings that entire season you worthless sacks of shit failed to show up in the stands. You could blame the poor attendance record on that. Your pathetic average of 11, 877 idiots in attendance could have been for that reason. But, hey! Guess what! The Philadelphia Flyers had their worst season in franchise history in 2007, finishing the regular with a mere 56 points. Would you like to know where they ranked in attendance? 7th. Fucking seventh with 19,282 in the crowd on an average nightly basis. The previous year their average was 19,653 and they finished fourth, so there wasn’t even a notable drop-off. Why? Because Philadelphia is superior to your shit of a city you have out there. I am thoroughly disgusted to share a state with you people. I’m glad I live about 300 miles away from you morons. I don’t know what type of fucking diseases I could catch from you people. It is sickening in every respect that the NHL had to threaten to move your franchise from Pittsburgh to Kansas City or Vegas just to get you to watch a hockey team. The NHL then proceeded to grant you Sidney “Whining Bitch” Crosby and Evgeni “I Look Like My Mom Smoked Too Many Russian Cigars While She Was Pregnant Wih Me” Malkin in the draft. They practically handed you fucking people who are now two of the best players in hockey. And they knew that’s what they would become. Your franchise is a fucking charity case and I hope you can read this, but you probably have Gary Bettman’s dick too far down your collective STD laced throat.
As I was scrolling through some of the comments on that Penguins’ blog, I found not only naïve remarks, but some I just didn’t know what to think of. I’m not a Phillies fan. I didn’t even like Harry Kalas that much. But when I read this: “Just a classless organization from top to bottom. The organist at the Wachovia Center should take a note from Harry Kalas and just die.” I was surprised. I’m just not sure what to make of that. I don’t even know what to say except that it’s sad that someone would resort to saying such a thing. First of all, Harry Kalas has nothing to do with the Penguins or even the Flyers, the team the Pen’s are playing, so why you would bring him into such an argument, is something I’ll never know. Yes, and we are the classless ones. I know that I’m not always the most well-behaved person, case in point: this letter, but really? I guess this is what happens when a fanbase cares about its team once or twice every two decades. They obviously make up for their lost time with disrespect and sheer incompetence. Here’s another raw comment I thought was amazing, “Your city is a filthy crime infested rotted cheesesteak dump. Do the rest of the state a favor and DIE”. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. You silly Penguins fans. Have you ever had a cheesesteak? They are delicious. Are you sad that the best things your city is known for are steel and bridges? The ‘DIE’ comment at the end there is just sort of funny. Something to smile at, which I did, when I read that. Philadelphia is the place 1,435,533 people proudly call home and where I want to live one day. The number of violent crimes (defined by the national government’s website as crime in which the offender uses or threatens to use violent force upon the victim) reported in Philadelphia in 2007 were 1,475. Keep that in mind when you read these two numbers. Pittsburgh population: 312,179. Pittsburgh’s number of violent crimes in 2007: 1,107. PHILADELPHIA HAS OVER A MILLION MORE PEOPLE THAN YOU AND PITTSBURGH’S VIOLENT CRIME RATE IS ONLY LOWER BY 368. Yes, the capital letters were necessary, too bad your illiterate incest orgy of a town wouldn’t know the difference. Just for the record Pittsburgh’s property crime rate was 4,463 and Philadelphia’s was 4,305. More than triple your population, and Philly still has less people willing to vandalize buildings in their own city. Pittsburgh’s burglary reports in 2007: 1,095. Philadelphia’s? 803. I don’t even know what Larceny theft is, but Pittsburgh had 281 more reported cases of it than Philly did. How stupid Penguins fans are, is strictly just becoming humorous at this point.
Also, I know you are all blinded by love at this point, but Flyers fans are not jealous of Sidney Crosby. I play the “he-is-not-the-best-player-on-his-team,-let-alone-the-next-Wayne-Gretzky” card. If you could please just take his dick out of your ass for one second and be realistic, it would be greatly appreciated. At the moment, Malkin has the most points, assists, and goals in the play-offs. Crosby is second in all of those categories except assists. So if you would like to start making out with Malkin now, you can. Those stats are skewed by the Flyers distinct ineptitude to play defense, but regardless, my AIDS test is flawless and yours isn’t. Crosby not only spends more time whining to the refs than you do lighting puppies on fire (which is more time than I could ever imagine, I suppose), but he doesn’t throw a fair fight. He jumps people after face-offs, and punches people in the balls that are already down on the ice, and being handled by another Pens player. While he is ridiculously offensively talented, I would take Mike Richards every chance you gave me. Stats from the 08-09 regular season: Did you know Richards was +22 in +/-, while Crosbitch was just a +3? Did you know Mike Richards had 13 less penalty minutes? Four game winning goals to Crosby’s three? This is where Mike Richards makes Sidney Crosby his unworthy bitch. Seven short handed goals for Richie. Crosby had 0.0000000000000000. Mike Richards also owns the all-time NHL record for most 2 men short handed goals with 3. You can reread that now. Just to make sure, I’ll say it again: Seven short handed goals for Richie. Crosby had 0.0000000000000000 in 2009. Mike Richards also own the NHL record for most 2 men short handed goals with 3. Alright. Now you want to look at career numbers? Mike Richards and Sidney Crosby both played their first full NHL season in 2006. Richards played 290 regular season games since then, and Sidney Crosby, also 290. I shit you not (but I’m sure that’s something you’re all used to doing on each other by now). Mike Richards career short-handed goals in the regular season, alone: 19. Sidney “The Next One” Crosby: 0. Zero is a great number. It’s also the amount of normal looking people in Pittsburgh, the number of people who want to screw Sidney Crosby outside of your city, the number of times Crosby has shaved…ever, how many people in Pittsburgh who are not the result of rape/incest/excessive drug use, and the number of people who knew what “ice hockey” was before Mario Lemieux was drafted.
And Maxime Tablbot. Really? You said, “They call themselves the most intimidating? That’s pretty pretentious. They try to be intimidating. They’re all dressed in orange T-shirts and they scream a lot. Does that make the Flyers a better team? I don’t think so.” I say you wouldn’t have the balls to say that to a Wachovia Center full of people with no security. Did you not realize your fans were going dress in white T-Shirts (they all brought their best wife-beaters, rest assured) in Pittsburgh for Game 5 two days after you would say this? Have you seen those wash-cloths your fans wave around? What are they called? Terrible towels? To call a swatch of fabric “terrible” is pretentious. To have an NHL PLAYER SURVEY name Flyers fans as the “most intimidating in all of hockey” is not. Do you even know what pretentious means? No, it does not mean ‘fucking amazing”, contrary to popular belief. I don’t blame you though, seeing as you people must’ve burned all of your dictionaries when you found out the definition of ‘greatness’ did not start with ‘Sidney’ and end with ‘Crosby’.
Please now, let me end with pictures of what the off-season looks like for Mike Richards and Jeff Carter, compared to Jordan Staal and Evgeni Malkin. (And yes, that’s actually them. Google it.)
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